Teaching Kids The Value Of Acceptance & Taking Action

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

On March 24th, my family participated in the March For Our Lives event. We bought materials for the kids to make posters the day before, woke up early to be there, and proudly wore our MSD Strong (Marjorie Stoneman Douglas) tees.

Afterwards, we got to go home to our families – a luxury many of the families that have been torn apart by this and other gun related tragedies no longer have.  We were the fortunate families. Spared from the unimaginable pain that had been thrusted upon our fellow Floridian Parkland families (and many others across the country). These tragedies have altered lives in ways that words cannot begin to convey. It has also forever altered the way all our children are growing up in America.

My kids were having breakfast with their friends that morning, ready for the march. I made a cup of tea and did the mundane things parents do in a kitchen the morning following what the kids refer to as a “sleep-over” (like scraping off the baking mess that the kids didn’t quite clean well after their bake-off the night before). As I did just that, the conversation unfolding at our dining table caught my attention.

“If it happens at our school you better make sure you are in (insert teacher name)’s room, you know that’s obviously like THE safest classroom in the entire school”, one of the girls was saying. “I hope we are not in PE or something coz we will be right there as the person walks in”, said another in response. “Actually, if we are in PE we can just run to our friend’s house since she lives right there”, interrupted the other. “Wait, if you are upstairs, like in the media center, maybe you will see what’s happening first and warn everyone and hide”, said another. Just then, my 9 year old and her friend decided to chime in. “Do you think they will even have time for code red if someone is already shooting in school?” one of them asked. “We can run to the (insert condo name) and all hide there. It’s SO safe”, the other responded. “Yes, a lot of our friends live there – it’s super tall so no one can come all the way up and we are still little so we can hide in really small spaces and the gun person won’t see us”.

I noticed the gap between my breaths shorten. My heart felt heavier just as my heartbeat accelerated. My body was responding to what I was witnessing before I could. “On the breath”, I silently willed myself, grateful to Dr. Shefali for what is slowly becoming my standard response to stress. It took all of me not to respond and reassure them that this would not happen again. How could I? I became a witnesser and just let them express without infusing my own fears (disguised as reassurance). After all my kids are old enough to see/smell my own bullshit – they are no longer buying into the “this is random, this doesn’t mean it will happen here” speech. This happened to students whose friends they know of – too close to home. They are also tech-savvy and are aware it’s not an isolated incident in the USA.

What troubled me was the ease with which the kids were conversing. They might as well have been discussing Minecraft or their current favorite movie, The Greatest Showman. Time stood still for me. It was here. In my house. It occurred to me that in every house in America, a version of what I had just heard was likely playing out. This was our new reality; our children’s new normal. The gun violence that was thriving out there was now robbing our children of peace and innocence and was now a part of us – it was time we accepted our new reality.

What does this acceptance mean, though? Does acceptance mean passivity? Contrary to the notion that acceptance equates to surrender, acceptance of what is, as it is, is the launchpad for action. In order to take action, we must accept things as they are – without embellishment. We must then consider the right action (for us) – one that is just and appropriate for the situation, not driven by fear. We must also teach our children to be part of the solution and to stand up for what they believe. I am so proud of all the students at Parkland and across the nation who are now advocates for a cause they believe in. I remember the kids feeling exhausted at the 2 hour mark during the march, asking to go eat, but then something occurred to me. “If Martin Luther King had given up because he was exhausted, what would have happened?”, I asked them. “He never had the platform (for advocacy) we have today, so we are sticking this out”, I added. My kid did not respond, but I saw it in her eyes. She was on board, although lucky for her, the march ended a few minutes later. As the German Lutheran pastor, Martin Niemöller profoundly noted, standing up for others and what is right isn’t negotiable.  

First they came for Socialists, and I did not speak out,

Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out,

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out,

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me — and there was no one left to speak for me.

By Martin Niemöller

Here are some ways we can encourage children to be participators in solutions to life’s challenges and teach them to stand up for what they believe is right:

1. Encourage conversations about issues affecting them and others at home. Figure out what is affecting them the most and find local resources to help them voice their concerns.
2. Teach them to call out injustices in the class or playground – that’s where it starts. Encourage them to make anti-bullying posters for their school, write essays on the issues, join mindful initiatives, and find like-minded students at school.
3. Teach them to get comfortable with their fears then remind that whatever they are in fear is not happening right now. That in this moment, they are safe. That while it is normal to have fears, living in fear is not an option.
4. Encourage kids to talk to their friends about their fears – they will be relieved to learn they are not alone.
5. Support their desire to attend and/or organize marches/protests. Make your own poster alongside them should they want to make one.
6. Teach children respect for other people’s values. As strongly as they believe in what’s right for them, other people have the right to believe that their way is also right for them. They must advocate for change but also respect that we all have different values.
7. Lastly, while we cannot give and do not have all the answers, it is important to model the behaviour you would like to see your child adopt and offer support. Be there when they stumble and offer compassion – you are the teacher.

I will leave you with an example that worked for my family.

The following conversation occurred just before the march, as we drove to Office Depot to purchase poster boards:

Daughter: “Mom, what if it happens in our school? Do you think it will happen?”, she asked

Me: “I don’t know, my love. I pray it doesn’t though”, I responded.

Daughter: “But it might happen, right?”, she continued.

Me: “I don’t know, but what one thing I know for sure is that it’s not happening right now. Right now, you are safe, and when it comes to a lot of things, we can only about right now not yesterday or tomorrow”, I did my best to respond.

Daughter: “I guess”, she said, in a sad tone.

Me: “How do you feel knowing you are safe right now?”, I asked.

Daughter: “Pretty good”, she said

Me: “I am glad”, I said. Relieved.

Daughter: “Mom, can we buy new markers when we get posters?”, she responded.

Me: “Absolutely!”, I responded, grateful for the distraction.

All we can do is be in the NOW/HERE.

We can only solve problems in the NOW/HERE

We can only take care of tomorrow if we tackle it NOW. HERE.

For it we are not in the NOW/HERE, we are NOWHERE.

I hope our children continue to speak out.
It is my hope and prayer that change will come.

That our children’s lives have not been lost in vain.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]